...AND EVERI came to work yesterday morning hoping that I would arrive at the office to find I had Columbus Day off. Or Canadian Thanksgiving. I was disappointed to discover that not only did I not have a vacation day, but that the twin forces of velocity and mass had conspired to temporarily expand what physicists refer to as work-time into a seemingly eternal cycle of repetitive events—walking to the water fountain, checking and organizing email folders, adjusting posture.
As a consequence, the fundamental quantity of work-time broke all manner of accepted standards and sent an entire field of experts hurtling into mass confusion (though not literally). Voices were raised, fingers were pointed, and it was decided that the most judicious course of action would be to take an hour-long lunch break and see what happened.
Twenty traditional earth minutes later, the situation had deteriorated significantly, as it was already time to go back to the office and a bill had not yet been split and settled. "Where has the time gone?" asked noted physicist Bertrand Kameltov without irony. "All morning time has been expanding and now, just as I've finished the ultimate bite of my Monte Cristo and moved on to the accompanying waffle fries, it seems time has suddenly contracted." Three tenured professors from Princeton agreed that something extraordinary was afoot and that subsequently timecards and hourly wages as we knew them would cease to have meaning. "I would tip 20 percent," offered Tom Wisenhunt, whose vast scholarship in tip theory did not allow for the automatic gratuity applied to groups of eight or more. (After much gnashing of teeth, Wisenhunt relented and rationalized by claiming the time warp they found themselves in rendered his theories "temporarily inoperable.")
Cosmic affairs did not return to their normal state until afternoon rush hour. But by then the damage was done.